Anxiety, Girls, and Jealousy

Monday September 9th 2024 this morning I went to school and at 8:00 a.m. I had a class with the girl that I like I didn’t really feel too too sick but still a little but definitely not as much as other times which I was happy about I was pretty loose you know and was actually able to talk and joke without constant fear of puking my guts up I don’t understand why I was fine here even though this is when I should

Have been the most worried then I went to the gym then I wanted to attend my online class later and that’s when I felt sick I guess I was feeling nervous I really have no idea I just got into my head about stuff I guess in the morning I was thinking about ways I could win the day how to improve this channel the work I plan on doing today I was excited for chess Day I don’t know what happened all

Of a sudden that stuff was placed on a lower priority and I was overthinking about if I should go see that girl again I was so close to puking like four times in 2 hours just a constant feeling of nausea the only thing that helped was listening to music and almost falling asleep instead of paying attention to the class I suppose it would have also helped to be fully engaged in the class and like take notes and and make my

Plans but I just couldn’t think of anything else except for don’t puke I wish there was a way to convince myself genuinely that I’m not in danger and to shift my focus to Greater Ambitions because as soon as I’m on my way home or something out of the danger zone I guess then my nausea goes away I was thinking maybe I didn’t feel sick here because I planed those time blocks in the morning and then when my time kind of became

Like ambiguous like should I go see that girl or stay here then I became sick but I’ve made plans before that were hindered by my nausea so I don’t know if the answer lies here really but maybe it does like maybe yeah I just needed to be more sure of myself I wasn’t sure about my plans it’s like I wasn’t sure of myself and that’s what caused it I watched a video about knowing thyself today and it gave me the idea that maybe

I could try to rationalize the way I’m feeling rationalize my fear really ask questions and reason with it the Socratic method is a teaching created by Socrates where he teaches that we should continually probe questions keep asking questions about something until we can get to the root of the inquiry so what I’m going to do is try this the best I can ask myself questions about the way I’m feeling be honest and tell myself how I feel I feel sick because I’m

Thinking about her why do I feel this way is the premise behind I feel sick because I’m thinking about her based on assumptions or facts challenge these assumptions what do I have to feel sick about because I’m afraid am I worried I’ll say something stupid or mess it all up well I kind of think get funny when I say stupid stuff and I’m kind of good I’m kind of good at bouncing back from awkwardness when I

Try I like to say stupid stuff at this point she knows I get nervous so even if I did say something totally she would probably be willing to look past it you know but I don’t think I would say anything that stupid anyway I’ll try to ask myself more questions like this there are more things that come to mind now but I don’t want to write out here Tuesday September 10th I was thinking today that maybe I could be

Looking at my sleep habits and tendency to stay in bed as an addictive sort of habit because truth be told some days I’ve been able to get up early but other days I just snoozed through my alarm like seven times I know that this guy on YouTube that I trust made a video about how to break addictions so I searched for it and watched that video and I actually found it very enlightening my scenario with wanting to stay in bed in

The morning and stay up late in the night could be my addiction and even though I know that I should be doing differently I actually haven’t sold myself on it yet deep down I don’t think I need to get up early because I love sleeping in too much the bed is so much more comfortable in the morning for some reason placing my phone away from me so I have to stand up to shut off the alarm

In the morning morning hasn’t really been helping me to me this reason of addiction seems like it might actually be exactly what I’m looking for because I feel it I feel like I actually love to stay in bed because it feels so good so where this kind of leaves me now is I need to give myself the reasons why it’s better not to sleep in give myself something that gives me greater satisfaction than staying in my perfect

Temperature bed I’m going to write pros and cons for staying in bed one more thing today I didn’t do exercise all day and I was planning on just not doing it but then at 700 p.m. I decided to still go and I had a great back and bicep day and I got a compliment on my new water bottle good today consistency beats everything Saturday September 14th all right we got a freaking talk this week I’ve been going through it just with

Women and and jealousy I thought it was so weird that I knew she was trying to make me jealous and I knew that I didn’t have to fall for it but I actively did fall for it I remember a concept of women testing men was mentioned in a book called The Way of the superior man and I also remember the YouTuber Hamza talking about it a while ago I couldn’t remember exactly what was said in the

Book or in hamza’s videos so I looked at both I didn’t think that I would ever meet someone who actively tried to test me not in a harmful way but in a way that got me riled up I had no idea what to do I was considering telling her over text how I felt telling her in person how I felt just letting it go I had no idea what I should do to simplify the book and the video I

Watched when a woman tests a man it is to check if he is still the same man that she fell in love with she tests him even subconsciously without thinking about it but she can feel the way that the man responds and I’ve learned that this is a very important thing in life it’s not what you say but how you say it or it’s not what you say but how you make them feel I’ll admit that I lost my

Temper over text a little bit when I saw what she was doing because it seemed like a joke that went on a little bit too long you know someone who doesn’t have this problem a superior man would not give a about jealousy of this magnitude so I embodied that guy that version of me I just joked with her back in fact I took it a step further and really joked with her it allowed the conversation to progress I could feel

Her attitude changed like I’d passed the test which felt great I don’t know how to explain it like I really felt like by not trying to be so serious with her by I don’t know I just feel like I passed the test I don’t know how I could even tell through text it doesn’t really make sense just believe me bro and when I saw her the next day I brought it up in a joking way and she was like no no haha I

Was just kidding like all right all right so lesson learned don’t take too seriously don’t take it too personally I already feel like I learned this lesson a while ago but I guess I needed a reminder I’m not trying to avoid my gut feeling and just take if I don’t need to but I think that this is different of course I wouldn’t want to let this get into like toxic territory but I don’t think that’s what

This is I’m not trying to change who I truly am but I would rather change my ways than be someone who gets extremely jealous and suffer uers because of it I would rather learn how to deal with it better even if it means doing something I wouldn’t usually do so yeah that’s what’s been going on lately