Why we’re much more different than we think

I’ve been studying human psychology for more than 15 years and there’s one realization I’ve had that strikes me as perhaps the most important. That’s that while we seem similar to each other, our minds are radically different, there are at least two big reasons why we tend to overestimate how similar people are to each other. The first is social conformity. We all learn to behave in similar ways around other people. Imagine, for example, that you’re at a wedding with a 100 people

There. You look around and you notice that everyone’s behavior is really quite similar. Pretty much everyone’s going up to the buffet to get something to eat. Pretty much everyone is chitchatting with someone else. And when speeches are being given, everyone is sitting quietly and listening. But the similarity in behavior around other people doesn’t imply that what’s going on in people’s minds is at all similar. Social expectations squash the range of our behavior that limits our ability to see

People’s differences. The second big reason we tend to underestimate people’s differences is what’s known as the typical mind fallacy. The idea that we assume other people’s minds act or think or process much like our own. So when we’re trying to understand how someone else would feel in a situation or think in a situation or behave in a situation, we naturally go to our own experience and we think how would I feel or think or behave in that situation. This means

That we tend to think other people’s minds work much more like our own than they really do. Let’s go back to that imaginary wedding with 100 people. If you look around, you’ll be able to notice some external differences. For example, you might notice that one person has an impeccably tailored suit, whereas another person clearly got theirs at Goodwill. You might also realize that one person probably has a cat. But the big differences are hidden in people’s minds. They’re not things

You can externally observe, though there will be little external hints that tell you a little bit about what’s going on. Maybe one of the wedding attendees was showing pictures of their latest travel and you noticed that they had a lot of pictures of them in the mountains. This could be a hint that this person tends to be high in their experience of awe. This could be very different than someone like myself who’s never experienced awe in their life. My brain

Seems, as far as I’m aware, incapable of it. We often assume that everyone has the full range of human emotions. But our research suggests this isn’t the case. In fact, in one of our studies, 17% of people said they never or almost never have experienced awe in their life. I used to believe that I experienced awe. But that’s because if I was with another person and they were experiencing awe, let’s say at the side of a big mountain, I would think, well,

That’s a really big mountain and that’s very beautiful and that’s an amazing thing and used to assume that’s what awe meant. But actually, I was just mapping that experience onto the closest experience that I was capable of. And that’s what most of us do when we’re missing an experience. We try to relate it to the closest thing we have experience with. But talking more with people who experienced awe. I finally realized I’ve never felt what they’re

Describing. Suppose that during the wedding speeches you notice that one of the guests seems a little bit distracted. You assume because that’s how your own mind work that they’re probably thinking about their work. But what you don’t realize is this person has obsessivempulsive disorder and they’re obsessed with the possibility that they may have HIV. Now, to be clear, they definitely don’t have HIV. In fact, they never even come close to contracting it. But their obsession keeps them constantly thinking about

HIV, hour after hour, day after day, month after month. Later on at the wedding, you notice someone dancing on the dance floor, having a fantastic time, and you think to yourself, “Wow, that person really loves to dance.” But you’re actually totally wrong. This person doesn’t normally love to dance. They actually have bipolar disorder, and they’re currently in the manic phase. And because of this, they’re brimming with energy and they think nothing could go wrong. Everything’s fantastic. They

Believe they don’t even need to sleep. But in 2 weeks, they’re going to be absolutely crashed out, lying at home all day long feeling depressed. You notice another person on the dance floor and he really has impressive moves. You assume that he too likes to dance. And this time, you’re actually correct. But what you don’t realize is the motivation. This person has narcissistic personality disorder. They spend much of their effort in life trying to garner attention and admiration. And what they

Realized is that becoming a great dancer is a great way to get people to pay attention to you and give you admiration. So, they’re trying to make sure that everyone at the wedding sees what a great dancer they are. Now, I know you might be thinking, why does everyone at this wedding have such an unusual mind? Well, the reality is that many people there will have more typical minds, but even typical minds tend to differ from each other more than we

Often acknowledge. In addition, if there’s a hundred people at the wedding, it’s actually not that unlikely that you have a bunch of people that have conditions that only 1% of people have. For example, you might find one person with narcissistic personality disorder, one person who has OCD, and one person who’s bipolar. Okay, back to the wedding. The person you’ve been seated next to is a cousin of the bride, and she seems very well put together and

Very nice. She doesn’t have an unusual condition, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have an unusual mind. What you don’t realize is that she’s incredibly socially controlled. She’s constantly aware of the social impression she’s making on other people, much more than the typical person is. In fact, she’s not only aware of what emotion you’re experiencing, but she’s aware of what exact facial expression she’s using at every moment. She’s going to make you feel exactly what she wants

To make you feel. Not for a nefarious purpose, but simply because that’s a learned behavior that she’s had since childhood to help control her environment. As the night starts to wrap up, you end up in a conversation with one of the groomsmen near the open bar. He seems like an incredibly normal bloke, boring even. But what you don’t realize is that his experience of reality is almost entirely alien to yours. In fact, he’s never experienced empathy, guilt, or remorse

In his entire life. He’s never experienced love, and he’s never experienced fear except in this sort of my body’s revved up and ready to go kind of way. He does experience anger, though. And if you were to try to aggressively control him, you’d probably deeply regret having done so. He has antisocial personality disorder, also known as sociopathy, but he’s never been diagnosed. He’s high functioning and he’s successful as a corporate lawyer. Despite how normal he seems,

What guides his actions is radically different than what guides yours. So why does he seem so normal? Well, that’s because he’s been working his whole life to try to blend in. He’s been learning from movies and conversations to figure out what to say when, so you don’t notice that he’s different. You can see more examples of this in my interview with a sociopath on the Clearer Thinking podcast. For example, if someone says their dad passed away, you know

Instinctually how to behave. Your emotions tell you what to do, but he doesn’t have that emotional response. Even at a wedding of 100 people, you’re likely to find an incredibly diverse set of human minds. But we can also think about who’s not at the wedding. What sort of mind are you unlikely to meet? For example, schizoid personality disorder. People with this disorder tend to have no interest in social relationships. Unless you’re their family member or you work in a cubicle

Next to yours, you probably don’t know anyone like this and you’re almost certainly not going to meet them at a wedding. If you want to learn about ways that your personality is unusual, check out our free Ultimate Personality Test. It’s based on data from over 150,000 people. We’ll put a link to it in the description below. For more deep dives on psychological topics, plus lots of original psychological research, please subscribe to our